If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so
hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in there marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make
her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping
them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning, as she was preparing
the turkey for dinner and he was
upstairs sound asleep, she looked at
the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard,
liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband
was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of
turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him
what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and
I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in!!!"

POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard
smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off,grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked. LOL

Pre-Nuptial Agreements

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

MAN BANNED FROM WAL-MART

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. DON'T
TAKE THEM IF THEY DON'T WANT TO GO...

After Mr. & Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring & preferred to get in & get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera & used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels (on the upper part of his chest, of course).

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last , but not least .....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Wal-mart-----------