Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.Usually she slept through the class.One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,"Tell me ,Mary who created the universe"? When Mary did'nt stir,little Johnny an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her,took a pin and jabbed her in the rear."God Almighty"! Mary shouted and the teacher said "Very Good" and Mary fell back asleep.A little while later the teacher asked Mary "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary did'nt stir from her slumber. Once again Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her again."Jesus Christ" shouted Mary, and the teacher said"Very Good", and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question,"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child"? And again Johnny stabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted,"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,"I'LL break it in half"! The teacher fainted!

M y tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H eard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

L ooking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

C ongratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H ow could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I 've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A s the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################

C ongratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************

H appy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H appy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

W hen we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

W e have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I 'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================

C ongratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Y our friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

S o your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human
>> > body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one
> answered
>> > until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You
>> > should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going
to
>> > tell
>> > my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll
get
>> > fired!" She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked
the
>> > question
>> > again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when
stimulated?
>> > Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her,
"Boy,
>> > is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore
her
>> > and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked
>> > around
>> > nervously, and said, "The body
>> > part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the
pupil
>> > of
>> > the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to
Molly and
>> > continued,
>> > "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: "First, you
have a
>> > dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one
day
> you
>> > are going to be VERY VERY disappointed!!!"

> A mother and daughter conversation in their last moments together at the airport was recently overheard. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you, and I wish you enough." The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom." They kissed and the daughter left. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy, but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?" "Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?". "I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral," she said. "When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?"She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and she smiled even more. "When we said , 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them." Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory. I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting. I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye. She then began to cry and walked away. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.