A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

I met this guy while I was in Albuquerque and he has a motto he lives by everyday. He said listen carefully and live by these 4 rules: Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie



I was shaking my head 'no' when he told me to listen to his explanation.



So here it is:



1. 'Drink' from the 'everlasting cup' every day.



2. 'Steal' a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are.



3. 'Swear' that you will be a better person today than yesterday.



4. And last, but not least, when you 'lie' down at night, thank God you live in America and have freedom.



I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be, but THANK GOD I am better than I used to be!

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.

After a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warn and happy the little sparrow began to sing.

Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleaned away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) If you are warm and happy, keep your mouth shut.

Ben's wife walks in at 2AM with a brand new mink coat.
"Where did you get the coat?" Ben says.
"I won it playing bingo. Could you please fill the bathtub, I want to soak?"
Two days later at 3AM, Ben's wife walks in with a gorgeous diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring" Ben says.
"I won it playing bingo. Could you please fill the bathtub, I want to soak?"
Following week Ben's wife pulls up in a new Mercedes at 3AM. "Where did you get the new car?"
"I won it playing bingo. Could you fill the tub for me, I want to soak?"
She goes to the bathroom to find about an inch of water in the tub.
"Ben, how come there's only one inch of water in the bathtub?"
Ben says, "I didn't want to get your bingo card wet!

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said,"stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."