A macho man married a good-looking woman and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride thought for a moment and said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at 7 o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!"

She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
Shooting the Bull

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."

Not much going on here today. We're supposed to have bad storms roll in this afternoon! Yuck. I hate severe weather scares the heck out of me.One of these days I;m gonna get me a basement or cellar built so I don't have to freak out when we get the bad storms!Shoot we've had so much rain our pond is almost to the overflow mark! I have great news my son and his family will be moving back from Texas in june. Man I'm so happy,cause I sure do miss them. They've only been gone since august but seeems like a lifetime to me. I love them sooooo much.Finally got my cable back up,yeah after I missed the race Sunday! That sucked.Cowboy is doing pretty good,he's doing therapy,so maybe no operation.Well you all have a great day and I'll yak at ya later{if I'm not blown away by the storm!} Have a great day.

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friendds look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious.The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."