2 Blondes with hammers:
Two blondes with hammers,
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat
for Humanity house.
Carol, who was nailing down house
siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail,
and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why
are you throwing those nails away?' Carol explained,
'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them
away.'
Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron!
Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other
side of the house.

The blonde who tried to commit suicide:
A blonde hurried into the emergency
room late one night with the tip of her index finger
shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room
doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit
suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered
the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
off your finger?' 'No, Silly,' the blonde said,
'first I put the gun to my chest, and then I
thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not
shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked
the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I
thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth
straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the
mouth.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then
I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is
going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other
ear before I pulled the trigger.

Damage from a hail storm:
A blonde was driving home after a game,
and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was
covered with
dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided
to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the
tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the
blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and
started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she
blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her
blonde roommate saw her, and asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all
the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and
said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows
first.'

Two blondes at the drive in:
Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had
gone to see 'Closed for the winter'.

Two tall trees are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them.

One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a
son of a birch?"

The other says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies,
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my
pecker in."

These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day...
>
> FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
> 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
>
> FREE PUPPIES:
> 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>
> FREE PUPPIES..
> Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
> Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
>
> FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
> Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
> Better be a big reward.
>
> COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
> Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>
> NORDIC TRACK
> $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
>
> GEORGIA PEACHES
> California grown - 89 cents/lb.
>
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
> Must sell washer and dryer $300.
>
> WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
> Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
>
> And the best one?:
>
> FOR SALE BY OWNER:
> Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
> $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows
> everything.
>
> --

Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer in fo was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help.'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet???

(Priceless!!)

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig
I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a
sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."