One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard
his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma.
Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was
glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa
dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured
himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit
spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God
bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.
Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor,
dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his
son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy
started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night,
and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure
his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife
was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're
here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead
on our porch this morning!"

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it.

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

When God created woman he was working late one evening.
An angel came by and said: “Why spend so much time on that one?”
And the creator answered: “Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her?”
“She must be washable, but not made of plastic; have more than 200 moving parts, all of which must be replaceable; and she must function on all kinds of food. She must be able to embrace several kids at the same time; give a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart; and she must do all this with only two hands.”
The angel was impressed.
“Just two hands…impossible!”
And this is the standard model!!
“Too much work for one day…wait until tomorrow and then complete her.”
“I will not,” said the creator. “I am so close to completing this creation, which will be the favourite of my heart.”
“She cures herself when sick and can work 18 hours a day.”
The angel came nearer and touched the woman.
“But you have made her so soft, God.”
“She is soft,” said God “but I have also made her strong.”
“You can’t imagine what she can endure and overcome.”
“Can she think?” the angel asked.
The creator answered: “Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate.”
The angel touched the woman's cheeks…“God, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her.’
“She is not leaking…it’s a tear,” God corrected the angel.
“What’s it for?” asked the angel and God said: “Tears are her way of expressing grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her cry.”
This made a big impression on the angel: “God, you are a genius. You thought of everything. The woman is indeed marvelous!”
“Indeed she is.”
Woman has strength that amazes man.
She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.
She holds happiness, love and opinions.
She smiles when she feels like screaming.
She sings when she feels like crying, cries when she is happy and laughs when she is afraid.
She fights for what she believes in.
Stand up against injustice.
She doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, when she can see a better solution.
She gives herself so her family can strive.
She takes her friend to the doctor if she is afraid.
Her love is unconditional.
She cries when her kids are victorious.
She is happy when her friends do well.
She is glad when she hears of a birth or a wedding.
Her heart is broken when a next of kin or friend dies.
But she finds the strength to get on with life.
She knows that a kiss and a hug can heal a broken heart.
There is only one thing wrong with her
She forgets what she is worth…

With love, to all our mothers