An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.

Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break -- strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill looked at him for a moment and said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though.

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are
> > 4 animals,
> > a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who
> > pass by.
> > They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to
> > get a banana off the tree.
> >
> > Who do you guess will win?
> >
> > Your answer will reflect your personality.
> >
> > So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30
> > seconds
> >
> > Got your answer?
> >
> > Now scroll down to see the analysis.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > If your answer is:
> >
> >
> > Lion = you're dull.
> >
> >
> > Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
> >
> >
> > Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
> >
> >
> > Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
> >
> >
> >
> > A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANA S.
> >
> > Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
> > You should take some time off and relax!
> > Try again next year.
> >
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Guess what! I.m finally going to get a cellphone! Always kinda wanted one but was'nt sure I would know how how to use one. Well cowboys kids have been bugging him forever to get one,so I asked {our son} robbie to help us get one,well hell it'll be her sometime next week! Now I'm kinda scared not sure if I know how to use it! Corse I was that way with the computer and I.m doing pretty good with that. I think it will be fun to use a cell phone or at least I hope it will. I am so excited now I will be in the 21st century ! Nice here today still 70 degrees out.Well hope everyone having a great night,Yak at you all later.