(I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling)

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, Her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love On Sunday morning.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years Old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear, replied granny Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring It was just the right rhythm Nice and slow and Even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He’d still be alive if The ice cream van hadn’t come along"

A koala was sitting in a gum tree... smoking a joint...

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree,
smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink?'

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears,
he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.'
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'cuz he'd be shit out of luck if he needed glasses'.

Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am you were speeding."

Woman: "Oh, I see."

Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Woman: "I'd give it to you, but I don't have one."

Officer: "Don't have one?"

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drinking."

Officer: "I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?"

Woman: "I can't do that."

Officer: "Why not?"

Woman: "I stole this car and hacked up the owner."

Officer: "You what?"

Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car, and calls for back-up. Within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Senior Officer: "Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!"

Woman: "Is there a problem officer?"

Senior Officer: "One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Murdered the owner!"

Senior Officer: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please."

The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer: "Is this your car ma'am?"

Woman: "Yes, here are my registration papers."

The first officer is stunned.

Senior Officer: "One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license."

The woman digs into her book bag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license.

Senior Officer: "I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Betcha the lyin' bastard told you I was speedin

I was so depressed last night thinking about the Economy,
The Government, My Crappy Job,
Wars, Depleted Savings, Social Security, Retirement Funds, etc......

I called Lifeline.


Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. ........................

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck!